Clyde has a lot of friends. A great mob of them and if there's anything he lacks in friends it's more than made up for by the mass of family he's got. Make's me feel like a friendless orphan sometimes. Not that i don't have a motley crew of the most fabulous people in the ommiverse to call my friends but i relate to them much differently than he does. They call all hours of the day and night. They lean on him for advice and get him into ridiculous pickles. When we first got together i tried to win them over but that was futile as, by and large, they are not a trusting lot though i've managed to be friendly with a few of the more important of the tribe. At this point they don't much affect my life except to the extent that they affect Clyde's life, which, upon reflection, is a great lot.

In particular there is the issue of the amount of time they require. One of the things that really works best about my relationship with Clyde is that he gives me a wide berth. We love spending time together and I love spending time alone. I can usually got about a week before I need massive amounts of Natalie time, about 3 or 4 days usually suffices. We've gotten into this rhythm where we spend every minute we can together for a week or so and then he spends 5 or 6 days between his friend and families' places. Every now and again there will be a power struggle when his friends/family want him when it's my time but i usually win because while they cook his favorite foods like crab, i have an unlimited supply of ass. ass trumps crab.

Lately I've been feeling a little needier. The weather's nice I want to go out and play with the boy without having to consult his social calendar. Unfortunately my whining coincides with his birthday month (he'll be 40 on the 13th) which is apparently akin to a national holiday to those folks. So i can go hang out with folks i'm passibly cordial with to be with him or i can wait til it's my time again. Needless to say I've been waiting.

It's been making me restless and I finally figured out why. I have a running joke with him about "that bitch", a fictious other woman who gets blamed for all kinds of random shit and mercilessly picked on for no good reason. Last night when i was picking on her again we were laughing and realized that his friends ARE the other woman. That crush of friends and family are needy, whiny, full of drama, and trying to steal my man.

Seeing them that way takes a fair amount of the significance out of my neediness.


In other news, April 28 was our 2 year anniversary and you'll never believe what I did!! I cooked an amazing dinner of lamb rib chops, spring pea and rosemary risotto, and roasted asparagus and paired it with an amazing (read: expensive) vintage Merlot. I really put my foot in it!! He declared it the best meal he'd ever eaten. And I have to say that I surprised myself. The lamb was perfectly medium and the risotto wasn't burned!! I got the recipe from Rachael Ray's magazine. Gawd bless Rachael Ray!!

There's so much going on, Clyde and I are planning to live in Zimbabwe for a few months, work is intense, my relationship with my sister has gone to a new level. I've got so much to write about and not enough time at present. Soon though, soon.

i love you,
me

great convo with nieceytee last night. she is taking a particularly diabolical pleasure in watching me squirm inside of my irrepressible, uncontrollable love of clyde. she sees me as this kind of love'em-and-leave'em character who uses lovers like toilet paper (leave it to an ex to shoot straight from the hip). i called her to find out if i was losing my mind (as she's the craziest person i know i figured she'd have an insight). i described my symptoms: fixated thought patterns, queasiness in my stomach and bowels that is only mitigated by clyde's presence, delusions of grandeur propelled by clyde's adoration, inability to just walk away, etc. she said i was just losing it cause i'm not in control of this thing, which is suprisingly accurate. that's why i feel like i want to throw up. it's cause i'm on the rollercoaster and i have no control over how gravity affects my belly. she also said that i was resisting being vulnerable. when the hell did Crazy T get to be so wise. hmmph. i'm glad she doesn't hate me anymore cause she's got great things to say.

and not only that but she's gonna gently help me learn to cook. i swore her to the strictest confidence about it but now that i'm blogging about it i guess all bets are off. i've got some serious baggage about cooking. like just thinking about it makes me want to cry and run screaming from the room. it's one of those things that makes me feel stupid and and worthless in some deep way that's hard to describe. i hate it about myself but i act like it's no big deal. and i hate people telling me that i should just learn to cook or buy a book like it's that easy. i swear to gawd i go into the grocery store and have near panic attacks when i try to shop for anything other than ready made meals and fruit i can eat on the go. you think i'm lying but i'm so not. i feel like an idiot so i just avoid it and spend an ungodly amount of money on food that other people prepare. i'm resigned and cynical about it and i've been COMPLETELY unwilling to transform it. but now i have something at stake. i wanna be able to cook for clyde. it's a running joke in our relationship that he has to eat before he comes to my house. on our first real date i made him a TV dinner. i told T that and she nearly choked. well now i want to show him that i love him. talk is cheap but if i made dinner once in a while i think it would speak volumes cause he knows how i feel about cooking. so lessons start next week and i think i'mma create a no comment cooking chronicles filter so i can bitch and cry and mark my progress.

love,
me