Clyde has a lot of friends. A great mob of them and if there's anything he lacks in friends it's more than made up for by the mass of family he's got. Make's me feel like a friendless orphan sometimes. Not that i don't have a motley crew of the most fabulous people in the ommiverse to call my friends but i relate to them much differently than he does. They call all hours of the day and night. They lean on him for advice and get him into ridiculous pickles. When we first got together i tried to win them over but that was futile as, by and large, they are not a trusting lot though i've managed to be friendly with a few of the more important of the tribe. At this point they don't much affect my life except to the extent that they affect Clyde's life, which, upon reflection, is a great lot.

In particular there is the issue of the amount of time they require. One of the things that really works best about my relationship with Clyde is that he gives me a wide berth. We love spending time together and I love spending time alone. I can usually got about a week before I need massive amounts of Natalie time, about 3 or 4 days usually suffices. We've gotten into this rhythm where we spend every minute we can together for a week or so and then he spends 5 or 6 days between his friend and families' places. Every now and again there will be a power struggle when his friends/family want him when it's my time but i usually win because while they cook his favorite foods like crab, i have an unlimited supply of ass. ass trumps crab.

Lately I've been feeling a little needier. The weather's nice I want to go out and play with the boy without having to consult his social calendar. Unfortunately my whining coincides with his birthday month (he'll be 40 on the 13th) which is apparently akin to a national holiday to those folks. So i can go hang out with folks i'm passibly cordial with to be with him or i can wait til it's my time again. Needless to say I've been waiting.

It's been making me restless and I finally figured out why. I have a running joke with him about "that bitch", a fictious other woman who gets blamed for all kinds of random shit and mercilessly picked on for no good reason. Last night when i was picking on her again we were laughing and realized that his friends ARE the other woman. That crush of friends and family are needy, whiny, full of drama, and trying to steal my man.

Seeing them that way takes a fair amount of the significance out of my neediness.


In other news, April 28 was our 2 year anniversary and you'll never believe what I did!! I cooked an amazing dinner of lamb rib chops, spring pea and rosemary risotto, and roasted asparagus and paired it with an amazing (read: expensive) vintage Merlot. I really put my foot in it!! He declared it the best meal he'd ever eaten. And I have to say that I surprised myself. The lamb was perfectly medium and the risotto wasn't burned!! I got the recipe from Rachael Ray's magazine. Gawd bless Rachael Ray!!

There's so much going on, Clyde and I are planning to live in Zimbabwe for a few months, work is intense, my relationship with my sister has gone to a new level. I've got so much to write about and not enough time at present. Soon though, soon.

i love you,
me

's been awhile. if it's the thought that counts know that i've been thinking about posting for weeks. in a little less than 6 weeks i will have been with clyde for two years. my, how time flies. we've settled into this warm chummy comfortable place. all the passion of the the first few weeks of our acquaintance with the backdrop of security. i think i love him more everyday. and i understand him better. not to say that he doesn't confound me just that i'm no longer "trying to figure him out". we've had challenges aplenty and a few near breaking points. but it feels like we've passed the point that either of us could just walk away. and he's not a quitter. which is good 'cause as he says "it takes a helluva man to love a helluva woman." it's nice to have that aspect of my life settled.

at the beginning of the year i took a job as a web developer/web accessibility specialist. i'm on contract at the department of health and human services. i'm not really feeling the company i work for but my job is easy and i feel like i make a difference. they pay me well and it's allowing me to rapidly get out of debt. so for the time being i'm just focusing on that goal. clyde's not working and as of next month it'll be a year that he's been outta work. it didn't really matter until about october of last year when my savings ran dry and i lost a big contract b/c of a laptop crash. we struggled for a few months until, outta the blue, the company i work for now called me and offered me a job. i always intended to be the breadwinner in this partnership so being back on top of that feels good. it's still tight and will be until about july when my reserves are built back up and i have paid off my credit cards. i've recently taken on some sideline work doing what i do in my 9-5 (web accessibility work). the side gig pays me about a quarter more than i make in salary and as long as that work is steady i should be able to accelerate the pace at which i build savings and wrestle free of student loans.

i am a little over 50 pounds heavier than i want to be and about 40 pounds heavier than is ideal for my height. i wasn't overly concerned about it until i hopped on the scale and the needle came dangerously close to 200 lbs. i'm now working out, doing some strength training, have changed my diet, and am taking a fat burner. it's been a few weeks and i'm down a little over 6 lbs. hardest piece is working in exercise everyday. the fat burner gives me a ridiculous amount of energy so that helps. it's also been hard to find strength training that i can do in my home with the equipment i have at my disposal. luckily there's a lot of bodyweight exercises that suffice. and i work on the 6th floor of my building so that's free exercise right there. when it gets a little warmer i'll be able to take walks on the mall in the afternoon.

i'm sure there's more but it'll have to wait.

ahh many many changes in such a short time. got laid off last week b/c of funding issues. working hard core on the ahs site. sex toy shop is nearly complete. got a new big deal contract that's gonna pay me about $3K which for me is huge. in negotiations with a nonprofit site. that's pretty rockin. i love working from home. i'm a night owl and tend to work from about 11 am to 4am. i work buck naked which is also a major perk of working at home. hell i've rarely put on a stitch of clothing in a week. nice.

clyde is living with mittherj  for the next few weeks to support him his big move to the midwest. i miss him and this will put quite a dent in our sex life but it's also good cause i'm crazy busy and he was starting to get annoyed by it.

i found the holy grail set up for my laptop. i desperately need a new laptop. (used works too if you are looking to unload a >=1.8ghz 1gb+ 80gb+ laptop running on xp). not gonna be able to get a new one for a minute so i bought some ram and a 250 gb external hard drive from Newegg . i'm so very excited!! i can't wait for it to arrive. i also replaced the shell on my laptop with Geoshelland set up a dual monitor.

this is a holiday weekend. 3 whole days of whatever i want. clyde and i have had plans for sometime now to spend saturday and sunday in bed together. yesterday he asked me "do you have to work this weekend?"

"yes," I said, because with 3 contracts and a full time gig i always have work to do, "it's a long weekend so figured i'd get some work done on sunday night and monday"

to which he replied "you could do some work on saturday night too 'cause there's a game i want to watch."

how thoughtful of him.

what is it with bois/butches/boys and football?? he wants to paint our bedroom redskins colors!! for christ's sake. and now he's planning our quality time around PRESEASON games!! lawd haf muhcy.

this one was a doozy. a knock down drag out from which i was sure we'd not recover. it happened after the Nationals game on Thursday. the game was pure bliss. then after the game he want to take a detour before home and i got annoyed and instead of saying no i picked a fight. i don't even remember what it was about. but it was ugly and he went his way and i went home. he came home the next day but i wasn't willing to be the first one to say i'm sorry and apparently neither was he so we didn't talk that day either. i went to see The Neon Man and Me at the DC Fringe Festival at midnight (which by the way was stunning and i'll likely go again) and when i got home he was gone. i didn't hear from him til monday afternoon. i got a text message that said "hugs and Kisses" and sent one back that said "i love you. i miss you." i talked to him briefly after work to make sure i hadn't run him off. "I'm not goin' nowhere," he said. late last night he came home. he'd spent the weekend with his family. we kissed and held on to each other and had the best sex ever. we sorted ourselves out and asked forgiveness and it was as if it never happened.

I rented a room at the Wyndom Hotel in Downtown DC. The hotel is converting to a Westin and the room I got had already been renovated. It was so lush, it even had an Aeron chair. I got there early and put out candles and took a long luxurious bubble bath. I signed one of the cards I got him and put all the presents (a pair of black Air Jordans, a copy of Robyn Thicke's new albulm, a black baseball cap onto which I'd had "Da Block is Hot" embroidered, 2 cards, and a two pack of Reese's peanut butter cups) into a stripped bag and then I waited. He arrived late with a Victoria's Secret bag in tow. We hugged and kissed our hellos and then exchanged presents. The shoes brought tears to his eyes (context: I've never bought Nike products b/c I think they are the fair labor anti-christ. I've told him I'll never spend my money on Nike and that I make people wrong who do. He's a shoe whore and loves Nike's as they are the most innovative sneaks around.) He said "You must really fuck with a nigga to buy him some Nikes". That, in point of fact, was the point. I got a red and leopard print negligee that made me look like a VS model. Really. It's the kind of thing I would have seen in the store and fondled but told myself I'd never look good in. But when I put it on it was spectacular. He was blown away. We got dressed and went down to the bar in the hotel to have dinner. Conversation over dinner was delicious. He wants to meet my brother and sisters, wants me to meet the father's side of his family. Told me some about his past relationships before he was married. Picked on me for being so dramatic about his move. After dinner and wine we went back to the room and got down to business. The king-size pillowtop was as an exquisite canvas for the artful love we made and it swallowed us up and lulled us into a deep sleep when we were done. All that space and he still complained that I tried to kick him out of bed. I love the way he sleeps. It's like he contorts his body into this 90 degree angle. It's crazy. I love that man.

But there is this thing. He had a little shiny red box in his pocket. I saw it because he pulled it out and was going to give it to me but didn't. He said he wasn't ready yet. I'm puzzled becausethe box was too small to hold anything else really and the rule was no jewelry. It's been the rule for the whole 10 months of the relationship. Now I want to know what was in the box. It's driving me crazy.

We parted ways this morning but we'll hook up tonight. We are going with a friend of his to see a rock band. Tomorrow night he's dog sitting for his mom and has asked if I'll come spend the night out there with him after the Introduction to the Landmark Forum that I'm hosting. We'll see.

text message from Clyde:

You,remyforevervalentine-andi'mmoregratefuleverydaythatyou'remypartner,myfriend,myvalentine

context: we decided to do v-day on friday before the news of the move came down and it's perfect now b/c of the weather and loose-end wrapping he's doing. so we've been talking to each other randomly all day and earlier tonight he called my cell and a clip of Robin Thicke's song Lost Without You played (which is currently our song. past "our" songs include Diary by Alicia Keys, Wednesday Lover by Jagged Edge, You Give Good Love by Whitney Houston and The Whisper Song by Ying-Yang Twins). Then later still I got this text from him. It moved me to tears. i'm gonna be with this one until i'm dead.

more later,
me

for next time: artist's way, exercising, von's call, being a leader, painting with the boy, what i got him for v-day.

Hey yall. Sorry for the dramatic post. I got the news on Monday that Clyde was leaving effective immediately and my heart fell out of my chest. I made up all kinds of stuff about his sudden departure that weren't true. We talked Tuesday night and I got myself sorted out. He's leavind DC to move to Richmond so he can afford to buy a house and so he can transition out of the prying eyes of everybody he knows. He loves me like a fat kid loves cake. It's not over it's just taken on a new and uncertain dimension. I'm not moving but I don't want to quit him. He's audi but he doesn't want to loose me. So we'll see what we can do and for how long we can do it before one of us cries uncle. Thanks for the calls! I love ya!

Clyde and I broke up. He's moving to Richmond, Va. All is well save the gapping hole in my chest.

I'm so loving "Fuck Was I" by Jenny Owens Youngs. You can download a copy of it from her website for free. Completely captures my already always about relationships.
Lyrics:

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I'm developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

Skillet on the stove it's such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer,
I've got more give than a bale of hay,
and there's always a big mess left over.
With the What did you do?
and the What did you say?
What did you do
What did you say

Skillet on the stove it's such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the special one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and then fills them with lead,
and I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we werent such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead

Skillet on the stove it's such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?
What the fuck was I thinking?

Oh it's so embarrasing
I'm this awkward and uncomfortable thing,
I'm running out of places to hide it
I'm running out of places to hide it

What the fuck was I thinking?
(You know that I've got what you need)
What the fuck was I thinking?
(You know that I've got what you need)
What the fuck was I thinking?
(You know that I've got what you need)
What the fuck was I thinking?
(You know that I've got what you need)

Don't worry. i'm still very much madly deeply truly lovin' the boy. in fact i like him more and more everyday. my capacity to be amazed by him expands with the universe. we had a great conversation over the weekend about where we are. i told him i like things the way they are and i'm not really interested in altering it (in the direction of dating exclusively or giving ourselves titles although it's kind of a moot point since we are the only people each of us are sleeping with or interested in sleeping with for that matter, but it's nice to know i could if i wanted to). He's like you will be my wife someday just not now. I told him that it freaks me out a little to think that far ahead and i'm really just focused on this moment of now. We are both on the same paragraph of the same page.

Clyde got it! he's a transformed man. i can't begin to express how excited I am. i got cleared to leave Philly early so I could be at the graduate guest part of his Landmark Forum. i was an hour late b/c we ran out of gas on the way to VA but i'm so glad i went. it was so fulfilling to see that my stand for him being in the course made a huge difference. he's gotten so much out of it and it's not even over yet!! he saw that he's been making bonnie wrong when he'd tried to talk to her about ending their marriage and he's excited about talking to her about it from a new place. he even wants to pay for her to do the forum. he's having talks with all his friends and family about being with him for the evening session on Tuesday. he wants to do the Advanced Course in April. he told me he appreciates and loves me!!! we invented the possibility of being an awesomely powerful team. he created being a successful entrepreneur. he's all excited and on fire like a little kid. i love him like it's going rapidly outta style.

but it wasn't always a walk in the park. Saturday morning he wasn't gonna go back. he woke up late, couldn't get a cab, and was tired and confronted as hell from the long day before. by the grace of gawd and my unrelenting stand he finally made it to the course at 11 am that morning. and when i talked to him late that night he was in a totally different space. he was having breakthroughs all over the place and we stayed up until almost 2 am talking about everything. i told him that i was so glad that he's taking this on b/c i'm committed to being a leader in the enterprise and it's gonna look like i'm stepping off a cliff into a void over and over and i don't need the love of my life yelling at me to stay away from the edge. to which he said "Naw i'll be saying 'Tuck and roll, baby, tuck and roll'" that man is one in a hundred billion. i'm just so very excited.

we stayed up late last night talking and creating. he left with me this morning to go home to talk to Bonnie and call people, today's his day off. I'll be in VA tonight for the Introduction to the Landmark Forum for People of African Descent (starts at 7:30pm, let me know if you wanna go and i'll give you details and we'll arrange to meet up there). we'll see each other tomorrow night during his evening session.

so it's done. in one sense, anyway, and just beginning in another. he'd always been supportive of my intention to be candidated Communication Course Leader but now he's doing so from a completly new and expanded place. and he's got the distinctions to back it up. thank you jesus christ superstar. i've committed to being candidatible as Introduction Leader by 12/25/06.

i love my wildly adventurous, sumptuously delicious, succulently juicy life.

more later,
me

tags: cleo = clyde = bloque

ackkk!! my life is so full and delicious how am i ever gonna manage it all much less blog about it. oye vey! everyone should have these kinda problems. things i gotta say: i'm loving this program!! why does everyone think it's so hard? what's all the suffering people tell me about? am i doing it right?

had lunch with The Man Of My Dreams today. clyde said he'd like to be married to me someday. he also said, "i could tell you were a little blown by the flowers but i wanna show you how much you mean to me in all kinds of ways so you need to get used to it." i feel like i need to go on Oprah so i can jump on her couch and tell the world "I love this man!" i am an enormous cheeseball!!!

i've been less than inspired by work over the last few days and took a mental health day today. i'll go back tomorrow reinspired and committed to being amazing and making a lasting difference.

i really really really really REALLY love my life.

I've finally found the nerve to say
I'm gonna make a change in my life starting here today
I surrender all my love, I never thought I could
I'm giving all my love away and there's only one reason that I would...
And baby it's you
( Lyrics to the song You by Jesse Powell )

bliss. i'm nicotine- free 80 hrs. more later.

clyde just left me a voice mail singing about how i taste like candy. i muthafuckin love my life/that boi.

today's a wash at work. team member's last day. she's movin on to bigger and better things. but i am getting a lot done between cake/brownie/pizza breaks. did i mention that i love my life.

tomorrow's the 1st day of the Introduction Leaders Program. pray fa me. tomorrow's also my last full day in DC before i go for a 4 day lovefest in the wilds of Virginny with the butch of my dreams. i told you this was gonna be the best week evah. and i meant it.

back to my RL, which i love, in case i failed to inform you.

~me

great convo with nieceytee last night. she is taking a particularly diabolical pleasure in watching me squirm inside of my irrepressible, uncontrollable love of clyde. she sees me as this kind of love'em-and-leave'em character who uses lovers like toilet paper (leave it to an ex to shoot straight from the hip). i called her to find out if i was losing my mind (as she's the craziest person i know i figured she'd have an insight). i described my symptoms: fixated thought patterns, queasiness in my stomach and bowels that is only mitigated by clyde's presence, delusions of grandeur propelled by clyde's adoration, inability to just walk away, etc. she said i was just losing it cause i'm not in control of this thing, which is suprisingly accurate. that's why i feel like i want to throw up. it's cause i'm on the rollercoaster and i have no control over how gravity affects my belly. she also said that i was resisting being vulnerable. when the hell did Crazy T get to be so wise. hmmph. i'm glad she doesn't hate me anymore cause she's got great things to say.

and not only that but she's gonna gently help me learn to cook. i swore her to the strictest confidence about it but now that i'm blogging about it i guess all bets are off. i've got some serious baggage about cooking. like just thinking about it makes me want to cry and run screaming from the room. it's one of those things that makes me feel stupid and and worthless in some deep way that's hard to describe. i hate it about myself but i act like it's no big deal. and i hate people telling me that i should just learn to cook or buy a book like it's that easy. i swear to gawd i go into the grocery store and have near panic attacks when i try to shop for anything other than ready made meals and fruit i can eat on the go. you think i'm lying but i'm so not. i feel like an idiot so i just avoid it and spend an ungodly amount of money on food that other people prepare. i'm resigned and cynical about it and i've been COMPLETELY unwilling to transform it. but now i have something at stake. i wanna be able to cook for clyde. it's a running joke in our relationship that he has to eat before he comes to my house. on our first real date i made him a TV dinner. i told T that and she nearly choked. well now i want to show him that i love him. talk is cheap but if i made dinner once in a while i think it would speak volumes cause he knows how i feel about cooking. so lessons start next week and i think i'mma create a no comment cooking chronicles filter so i can bitch and cry and mark my progress.

love,
me